i'd like to announce that i have been bamboozled yet again...a few weeks ago (maybe it was a month?), at the suggestion of a friend, i decided to enter 2 poetry contests by submitting past writings i entitled 'Dismissile' and 'Lunar Lullabies.'

i figured what the hell? for i hadn't seen these particular contests before. i thought they just might be legit?

now let's go back 11 years, i entered a poetry contest...of course, i didn't know any better, but sure enough, some time after my submission, i got a reply from the Poetry thing-a-ma-jing stating they loved my poem and that i was already picked as a semi-finalist with the chance to win $20,000.00 and a possible contract to become a Pro. Poet.

they provided me with details and such along with a sheet of paper to a. ok that this was my original work and b. i'd agree to have my poem published, for me to edit my own poem for any errors etc, and there was another sheet of paper that offered me the varying price options to purchase the 'volume' or 'book' that my poem will appear in.

to add insult to injury, they allow you to buy as many volumes as you'd like, i guess to hand them out as gifts for the entire family, eh?

and worse, they also offered me the option to pay for a photo of myself to be included with my poem and to pay for a little BIO if i so desired to talk about myself?

aha? such clever intentions; they raise your spirits by telling you that you are already a semi-finalist against all the other thousand upon thousands entries, so why wouldn't you want to write a check out or whip-out the credit card and buy that volume that you may very well be the winner of right? yeah, add more money to throw in a photo and give'em a BIO.

i can't recall the name of the Poetry Contest, but i know that it was based out of Owing Mills in Maryland.

maybe it's as simple as the poetry.com one because they still bombard me with emails and entry forms every year a new contest gets shaped up?

so now that i was a SEMI-FINALIST already, what was an excited freshman in college to do?

you bet.

i purchased the volume that i was to appear in with other distinguished amateur poets. and sure enough, i opted not for a photo but i instead paid for a little BIO tid bit about myself; explaining who i was and such.

to this day, i don't where i lost the book, let alone the name of that particular volume that year too boot?

in any event...i was excited.

then i got another envelope in my college mailbox from them a month or so later and it apologized that i didn't win the contest. they went on to reveal who did win the prize and money along with his or her winning poem...and in my eyes, the winning poem sucked, not as if to say that my poem should've won, but the winning poem was aweful.

it was trite, very old style writing etc.

hard to explain, but you know these kind of poems about nature or the colorful scent of morning dew and birds fishing by the water? oh the nonsense?

and these contests' always tend to limit your poem into 20 or less lines...so you figure, oh i'll send them a tidy short one?

but when you read the winning poem, it's like an epic somehow cropped into 20 lines or less.

consequently, they never truly tell you how many letters you can fit into one line or what the actual margin measurements are enforced, which is a bit unfair but seems to always favor the contest winner?

much to my chagrin, the same contest mailed me again the following year and so on...just to see if this contest was hog-wash...i submitted my same poem 3 years in a row and kept getting the same option offers and that indeed, i was a semi-finalist yet again and again!

and as the years progressed, the 'contest' began to hold a 3 or 4 day poetry forum thing-a-ma-jing down in DC...with price-packaging hotel and travel accommodations...and that you’d get to learn from Pro. Poets that will attend the forum etc.

i thought, wowsie!?!, they are really turning this farce into a money making machine?

it got better too, they would offer you a plaque and instead of the contest being national it was now on a global scale level which made you feel more invincible and worthy of poetic accolade to the highest degree!...

along with the volume set you could now also 'purchase' the audio cassette or actual cd of your poem spoken by a Pro. Poet!

of course, they would lure you in by saying that your poem was automatically selected along with only 20 others for the spoken poetry tape or cd, in a sense, just like being selected as a semi-finalist in the contest to begin with. a white lie.

furthermore, they also offered you the chance to read your own poem before the forum too. yipee.

do you see where i am going with all of this?

i'd personally liked to have gone to the Forum at least once, and paid out my ass for hotel accommodations etc. just to see who the hell ran this operation and what thumb-suckers actually showed up for this hoopla?

and who were the Pro. Poets arriving like Prodigal Sons to teach you the best way to write poetry? as if there is a best way?

i'd liked to have shaken the hand of the eventual weasel who would win this contest!

to discover if they really received the cash prize and the hefty writing contract?

and where are these poets now? still penning their thoughts for the right price?

back to present day, the contest for which i entered Lunar Lullabies turned out to be as true as a cloudless day, the same Owing Mills operation down in Maryland is 'what came in the mail over the weekend.'

so, i just tore up the mail and shook my head in disbelief.

on the other hand, the one for Dismissile, well, this one was based out of Talent in Oregon...is that an actual name of a town? they provided a zip code...97540. i must check that out after finishing this rant?

the contest was entitled Famous Poets or that is who you make a check out to or credit card order to!?!

here's how their letter read and i will spare you the $ options for purchasing the volume, and so on:

Dear Eric:

I love your poem, Dismissal *note: (they actually had the audacity to edit my poem's title Dismissile, which clearly had they actually read my poem in the first place, the morons would've figured out the pun i intended with the missile reference)

Thank you for entering it in our Free Poetry Contest. Our judges have already moved your poem into the semi-finals. I will personally let you know the results of our contest as soon as the judging is complete. *note: (you see, i'm already a semi-finalist along with whoever placed an entry to this contest, you dig? and wow, they will PERSONALLY let me know that i didn't win but some other fortunate has right?)

Our joy is to discover new talent like yours. I request permission to publish your poem in 'Great Poems of the Western World' - and trumpet your talent to the world! *note: (now i'm great? and worse, the cover of the book is a head statue of William Shakespeare)

Please be kind of enough to sign the permission form on back and fill out order form below. You may have my promise we will publish your poem error-free. We will send you a copy of the publisher's proof before going to press. You have made my day. Bless you! - Lavender Aurora *note: (i've made her day? i love it. really? c'mon. fill out the form below are for purchasing the book, illsutrations and if you may wish to include your BIO and photograph all for prices ranging from $20 on up for each. my God? and they have the sincerity to Bless you!?!)

*it gets even better, since this was a 21 lines or less poetry contest, they somehow allow you to add more lines to your poem at an additional $1 per line...i thought the contest was 21 lines or less? what the f--k?

bottom line, it'd be something to win these BS contests, but like winning the Mega-Millions Lottery, you may as well have better luck taking/capturing a photograph of Bigfoot flying a UFO in Area 51.

eb (03/07/05)
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